My Conversation

The test was positive!!! This is what we have been waiting for right, well ..yes, however if you have ever experienced a miscarriage or in my case several miscarriages the test showing positive brings a different set of emotions; anxiety, trepidation, uncertainty, apprehension just to name a few. When the test came out positive I swore I would not tell a soul, not even Mister. I felt if a miscarriage had happened that I wanted to go through the motions on my own. No pity party for me this time. It was so hard keeping this from my close friends. One of my girlfriends had found out she was pregnant three weeks after my positive test and it pained me not to tell her. But I wasn’t ready to share the news with anyone yet and I knew that she and my other friends would understand. I did eventually break down and tell Mister a few days later, I could not hold it from him even if I tried.

This time I decided I would do something different. You see normally I pray that whatever is in God’s will, shall be done; but this time I had a conversation with God. I asked him for exactly what I wanted. I asked for this baby to be properly implanted and safe in my womb for 9 months, I asked for a healthy, happy and let’s not forget beautiful baby. I asked for all of the worry and fear to be taken out of my heart and the remembrance of the pain of each loss to not attach those uninvited emotions to this pregnancy. I prayed for this strength every night and day and with each day that this baby remained in my womb I would thank God for allowing me to be a vessel to birth one of his children. Because of my high risk status this pregnancy was monitored weekly via sonogram from 5 weeks through 9 weeks and with every appointment I had a sense of confidence. I was able to watch this baby grow from a sac to a fetal pole with a heartbeat to an embryo and then onto a fetus. The miracle of birth never ceases to amaze me. This baby was conceived naturally a month after I had miscarried. We were scheduled to start IUI or Intrauterine Insemination in December; however this baby decided to implant on its own in October.

What are my emotions like now at 17 weeks, well I am thrilled. We are due July 4th and our 3 year anniversary is July 5th. What an awesome anniversary present! I still worry naturally of course but to help ease my anxiety Mister bought me a fetal Doppler. I listen to the baby’s heartbeat twice a day and what a wonderful sound it is. The sex will be confirmed on February 28th and I cannot wait. At our first trimester scan they did guess the sex; however it was just a guess! Although, I am hoping that the guess was right. There was one thing that I forgot to pray for and that was a comfortable pregnancy… but I guess that would have been pushing it.